To submit your own story, email it to the area web servant(click here) or give it to your G.S.R
THESE ARE PERSONAL STORIES OF HOPE ,FAITH, AND COURAGE FROM
MEMBERS OF THE ALABAMA AREA OF COCAINE ANONYMOUS." the views and feelings expressed in the following story's
are the experience strength and hope of the writer and not necessarily those of Cocaine Anonymous as a whole."
The member that sent in this story wishes to remain anonymous.
My first introduction to recovery was many years ago. One of the members of Cocaine Anonymous reached out to
me while I was in a treatment facility here in Alabama. We have a reading titled Reaching out. It is so very true to my own
personal experience. I made here because someone else carried the message to me. That was attractive to me. Another thing
that attracted me was the word Cocaine. The first time I did some I fell in love with the way it made me feel. I don't
know if you can say I was addicted to it on the first line or not; but something happened. I heard a comedian say one time
that cocaine made him feel like a new man and that new man wanted a line to. Before long cocaine and all other mind altering
substances became mt coping skills. It did not matter if I was up or down, happy or sad I wanted more. A friend of mine said
that there is a pretty good one word definition of an addict; that word is MORE;you name it, I want more of it. A few things
I want to make clear to those that are just surfing through and not sure this deal is something they can do. RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE.
Relapse is not a requirement of recovery. The 12 steps do work. Today I am free from that hopeless state that I was in when
I got to the place where I didn't think I could ever be O.K. again. Some of the things I thought about when I first walked
onto the doors of recovery were What a I going to do now? I couldn't even imagine what mt life would be like with-out
drugs.All mt friends did drugs. I was asked one time what was I most afraid of; staying the way I had been or getting sober?I
said I was afraid of both of them. I always thought I was such a failure and I thought I was just a weak person. I thought
I was a bad person. Today I understand that I was sick. No one told me that recovery was going to be easy. They didn't
lie to me. Recovery has been the second hardest thing I've ever done. The hardest thing was staying loaded for as long
as I did. The idea of surrendering to win was a concept that made absolutely no sense to me. I thought I needed to be stronger,
the truth is I'll never be strong enough to do this by myself. You to can experience a life free from Cocaine and all
other mind altering substances. I don't have to do this alone; that's where the fellowship of C.A. comes in. YOU had
the courage to check out this website, that's a great beginning. Now take the next scary step and find a C.A. meeting
close to you and go see for yourself. We're here and we're free. I left my name off this post because we are anonymous.
To look at me you would never know that I am an Cocaine addict. In my mind I thought that addicts were homeless and dirty
people. That's not a realistic view of who we are. We are people who come from all walks of life. Cocaine is an equal
opportunity destroyer. It crosses all lines of race, social, economic, and gender barriers. I have a network of friends today
that is global. I honestly had no idea what I was missing.I have been to C.A. event all over the U.S.A and when you get a
group of us together something really unbelievable happens. What I found in the rooms of recovery was people who understood
me. People who had lived through the same shame and hopelessness that I felt. That explained to me the nature of my illness.
Today I am reasonably happy most of the time. And honestly some days I want to pinch myself and make sure I'm not dreaming
. Speaking of that. A friend of mine told me of a dream he had. He dreamt that his recovery was only a dream and that
he was really still hopelessly addicted and still living in the hell of active addiction. His family was still terrorized
by the things that he was doing to himself. He said he was still debating just taking his life and putting an end to his suffering.
Then he woke up and realized that it was just a dream and that he had been sober for many years and his life was very good.
He said he rolled out of bed and cried because he knew that their were so many that don't have the freedom. I know how
this man feels,He's my friend. You should see how his children look at him today. You should have seen how they screamed
and cried and clutched their mothers legs when he reached down to touch them during one of his binges.This man was me. After
working all the 12 steps of COCAINE ANONYMOUS and having a change in thinking and actions. Today I can tell you I am so much
more than just an addict today. I'm a loyal husband, good father, a true friend; these are just a few things that are
important to me today. Thanks for letting me share.
"Alive and Free."
I was born into a good home in California. I am the youngest of 3 girls.
My oldest sister is from my dad's first marriage. My mom is origonally from Houston, TX and my dad from Birmingham, AL
but because of my dad's job the family was transferred around the world every few years. When I was 5 years old we moved
to London, England. We settled in easily and I made friends quickly. I was a happy child but very shy. Four years later we
moved to Houston, TX. We did not get much notice before we had to move. It was a devastating change for me. I was ridiculed
every day in school because of my strong English accent but eventually made friends. Two years laters we moved to Singapore.
Our flight left on my best friend's birthday. This is when I started to resent my parents. The move was very difficult
for the family. My sister and I were the only Americans in the international school we attended. We were picked on every day.
A lot of people overseas hate Americans. Whatever was going on in the news was my fault. My dad was travelling about 300 days
of the year so we rarely saw him. I made a small group of friends and settled in to life in Asia.
My parents would drink
a lot. My mom began drinking every night because she was so lonely. When I was 12 I stole alcohol from my parents and drank
alone in my room. It was an exhilarating thrill. I felt like a different person - not shy, but outgoing. I quickly found a
group of friends at school that liked to drink too. Being Caucasian made it very easy for me to buy alcohol and get into clubs
and bars because I looked older. I started drinking all the time. I wasn't shy, anxious or nervous anymore. I was cool.
Little did I know that I was just self medicating my serious anxiety and social phobia disorders. My parents discovered I
was drinking when I stayed out all night, lost interest in school and stole money from them. They confronted me about it but
I denied it.
We moved to Hong Kong when I was 13. I was the new kid in school again. Just as I was settling in, the Asian
Economic Crisis hit and we had to move back to Singapore. I started drinking right where I left off. It only got worse. At
16 I almost died from alcohol poisoning after going to a club. My friends carried me outside the club and left me on the side
of the road and called my mom. She picked me up, put me in her car and drove to the hospital. I came to the next day with
a doctor telling me how lucky I was.
When I was 17 my dad told me he wanted to retire and move back to America. I was
furious. I was so tired of moving. And I was terrified of moving to America. I hadn't been there since I was little and
hardly remembered it. All I knew about America was what I saw on the news at the time - school shootings. I reluctantly packed
my things and emotionally shut down. I became severely depressed. We moved to a small town just outside of New York City.
My first day of school was September 11th 2001. I shut down even more, displayed agoraphobic behavior and continued drinking
heavily to escape.
I went to college in Pennsylvania. Having played rugby since I was very young, I walked onto the women's
rugby team and found my family - a bunch of heavy drinkers. It wasn't long before my alcoholism consumed my life. I began
drinking every day, all day long. The consequences became more serious every day. I was assaulted, stopped going to class,
stopped eating and showering and started using every drug I could get my hands on.
I finally hit bottom during the last
semester of my senior year. 13 credits short of my college degree I called my parents and told them I was an alcoholic and
addict and needed help. They were dumbfounded, had no idea and did not want to believe it. They agreed to help me and called
a treatment facility in Birmingham, AL where my dad has lots of family. A few days later I began treatment. Today I am free
from alcohol and the strangling grip it had around me. I went to rehab wanting to stop using drugs and alcohol. But I sold
myself short. I found a new way to live as a result of working the 12 steps of AA. I got a sponsor to guide me along the way.
I go to meetings as much as I can. Most importantly I let the God of my understanding do for me what I could not do for myself.
I realize now that self medicating was about to cost my life. Today I am seeing the Promises come true. C.K.
I HAD NOWHERE TO GO
My story starts out I think like everyone else.I started at a young age drinking and trying to fit in with my friends.That
grew as years passed to more than just drinking and smoking pot-and then a lot of that other stuff the stronger mind altering
things.What finally took me down was cocaine. Something I had stayed away from all my life. I found Crack and I liked it very
much. I started drinking when I was 12 year old.I didn't use crack until I was 45. Drugs had me in some kind of trouble
all throughout my life.In the late 70's I was part of a gang- group of friends and we broke into some drug stores.I didn't
have a problem the I just wanted to fit in and be accepted along my friends.After smoking crack for a few years I tried and
found the needle to be very much to my liking. When the money was gone I needed more and stole from anyone Family Friends
whoever I could to get my next high.The law caught up with me and I went to jail .When a close relative bonded me out I knew
then that I had a problem with drugs I knew that I could not stop and that I would not stop as long as someone knocked on
my door.That would get the ball rolling again.I had an Aunt that was concerned for me .She came to my house and kicked everyone
out of my house.I went to her and told her thank-you as I hugged her neck.I went to a treatment facility for an interview
and they told me I was an addict and that I needed to get help. They also said they had an open bed for me if I could be there
the next day. I went That was January 28th 2005. The first thing they did was give me a brand new book called alcoholics anonymous.
All I knew at that time about any of the fellowships were their names A.A, C.A, and N.A, At treatment they told me that alcohol
and drugs were a by-product of a bigger problem and that the problem was me and the way I looked at life.They showed me how
to look at myself for the first time in my life and the twelve steps showed me how to work on myself. I did what they suggested
in treatment. At that time in my life I had ran out of options, plans and had burnt ALL the bridges behind me.I started going
to meetings I helped empty ashtrays and helped to make coffee .When I had a little clean time I started chairing meetings.During
this time I had started living life one day at a time it was the only way I could keep my sanity.I actually started to enjoy
life ! . I still had a court issue going on and staying in the day and as the steps showed me I was powerless over tomorrow.
I to this day believe that powerlessness is a gift from GOD.I have a sponsor and I call him every day.I am blessed with a
sponcee and he calls me every day.I have a home group that I am involved with. The people in Cocaine Anonymous, a Higher
Power active in my life and a faith and hope that I never thought possible has transformed me into a new human being.I find
solutions today and do not stay in problems . Today I am a part of the fellowship of Cocaine Anonymous. I fit in and I know
I truly belong.Miracles happen and the promises really come true. I am proof of that today I thank God for Cocaine.Anonymous
.
......K......
There is a Solution!
I was born into an alcoholic home.
My mother was always very
loving and my father was as loving as he could be at ttime. Growing up with an alcoholic father was very chaotic and
i learned at a young age how to try and make everyone happy. I thought if I made good grades, if I was the best player
on the team and if I had the most friends, then maybe everything would be okay. Of couse, the cirumstances of my life
were beyond my control and every time something went wrong I took it as a personal failure. As you can see I have been
trying to play God for a very long time.
When I was sixteen I was in a car
accident that left me with multiple injuries. While hooked up to the morphine drip that night in the hospital I thought
I experienced Heaven. As soon as that drug entered my vien I felt whole. I thought to myself,"This is how
I am supposed to feel." My problems seemed to fade away with every dose. I didn't care that I was in the hospital,
I didn't care that I didn't have the best home life, and for the first time in my life I didn't care that I was
not perfect. I had finally found something to silence the committee that always chattered in my mind.
After being released from the hospital I was given Oxycontin and Vicodin. It was my senior year in high school and
I had the substances I needed to get through the year. I experimented with pot, alcohol, cocaine and hallucinagens throughout
the next year. The day I graduated from high school someone introduced me to the needle. The way I was taking my pills
were no longer getting me high enough so someone showed me how to achieve the feeling I had always been looking for.
For five years I put any opiate that I could find in my arm. When one vien blew, I found another one, no matter how
much it hurt. This continued until I had alienated myself from my friends, my family and everyone who loved me.
I was all alone, I had given up. I remember pushing insane amounts of herion in my arm hoping that maybe this shot would
take me away for good. I had no desire to live. This magical substance which had solved all of my problems before,
stopped working. Sure it still got me high, but it no longer silenced my mind. I just wanted all of it to go away,
I just wanted to die.
I had reached the ultimate state of defeat,
this would become my blessing. I entered a drug and alcohol treatment facility in August of 2007, where I stayed for
three months. I then went to a half-way house. While there, I found Cocaine Anonymous. I asked a woman to
be my sponsor and she took me through the twelve steps of C.A. I had finally found a solution. See my problem
was never the drugs and alcohol, the problem was always me. Our book says that the bottles were only a symbol of our
problem and that was true for me. I was my problem and for a long time I found a solution in substances. Admitting
defeat was easy for me, I had been given one of the greatest gifts I had ever gotten- the gift of desperation. So I surrendered.
I ask someone to show me how to do this recovery thing. I had to learn from someone how to get high, so I had to learn
from someone how to get sober. Admitting defeat created a vacuum in my life. And thank God my Higher Power came
into that vacuum. After making a decision to turn my will and life over the care of God as I understood him, I made
a decision to go on with the rest of the steps. In the fourth and fifth steps I got down to the causes and conditions
of my self-made peril. In steps six and seven I allowed God to work on the defects that had made themselves apparent in the
previous steps. In eight and nine I got to right the wrongs that I had committed up to that point. And ten, eleven,
and twelve I get to practice everyday. The twelfth steps is where I get hope and I become renewed. This is the
best way I could have ever hoped to live. If I would have made a list of things I wanted for myself a year ago I would have
made it too short. My life today has surpassed my wildest dreams, and I owe it all to this program. Today I am happier
than I have ever been. Today I have a good relationship with my family and friends. And my biggest gifts are the people
that I have met in this program that challenge me, comfort me and love me for who I really am. There is a solution we
CAN recover. One day at a time it is possible to live a life filled with Hope, Faith and Courage.
~Anonymous~
"Finally
Broken"
Born in California I grew up in a good home. Nothing out
of the ordinary except the amount of spankings I took from my dad for being a brat. My mother says I was a strong willed child.
I think I was just a very selfish and self centered. At age six My parents got divorced. My mother took us to Reaford North
Carolina to be near her family. My father stayed in California. Reaford was a very small town. I'm telling u about this
because its when I lost all faith in god. even at this young age I did. Before we moved my brother told me my father was "never
coming back". I ran to the stairs and hit my knees and asked god to bring dad back on a cloud. it didn't work out
that way. My faith was lost. We stayed in Reaford while my mom went to school for 2 years then moved to Raleigh, NC where
I commenced to try and make friends. Being a shy kid it was hard at first. I got into a fight with a guy at my school and
I became popular. Made friends very easily. That I Think taught me something. Started stealing ciggs from our local grocery
store and small bottles of wine. I didn't like the taste of either but its was "so cool." I Decided to move
to Alabama. My Father due to business moved hear a few years before and wanted me to live with him. I thought I would have
better opportunity's so I did.
Again i had to make friends. This school
it was different. I hadn't remained a big kid. So no more bully. I made friends by impressing them with what I had. Nice
house, nice stuff, and money. At age 17 or 18 I found Marijuana and liked the effect it produced. That since of ease and comfort
came strongly. I also met friends very easily. Started meeting girls easily and liked the drug so much i started selling it.
Found cocaine during this time and loved it. It had what I wanted. I felt strong and able. Wished I could kill myself many
times coming off of it but the next day I would find out how to get more. A friend backed me for the money and we started
selling it. I was hooked. I robbed my father and many others, pointed guns at people, hooked up with girls who wanted nothing
but the drugs, lied, cheated, and made a mess of things. I got a D.U.I., BURGLARY 3RD, THEFT OF PROPERTY 3RD, MINOR IN POSSESSION,
POSSESSION OF A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, WRECKED MY CAR, WRECKED MY JEEP TWICE, LOST GIRLFRIENDS AND MANY FRIENDS. Ive been to
jail 9 times. I been to treatment twice.
When I made it to treatment I was
at a point of absolute shame. I had found myself at a point of desperation. I had been threw hell and knew i was going to
die or get locked up. I did whatever I was told. I took notes and learned a lot in treatment. Made it to a halfway house after
17 days inpatient. The first 90 days we hard. Alot of times I felt like throwing up my hands and hitting the floor. I had
ran my body down only like a junkie can. Ive used many mind altering substances But for this story I've tried to stick
with my Drug of Choice. I went to a meeting a day during my stay at the half way house and found miracles everyday. got a
sponsor right out of treatment. I chose someone that had what i wanted. We worked the steps. Little did i Realize what was
happening to me. I worked hard and stayed honest, open minded and willing. The results of this are still incredible to me.
The God of my understanding not only removed the obsession to use he took away the shame. I'm free today and have a better
life then I every could have imagined. Ive got true friends who love me for who i am and support me. A fellowship has grown
up about me. When I wake up in the morning I still wake up in selfishness. I hit my knees and turn it all over to GOD. I had
become agnostic at age six and gave up God, Little did I know that GOD never gave up on me. I hope to meet some of u in the
sunlight. If your using and scared and have the desire to quit. Come check us out. May u find the peace and love that Ive
found....
Anonymous
" HOPELESS , FAITHLESS, and TIRED of RUNNING " " First
off< if you are new...Welcome . Coming onto the program of C.A. is always a scary process but one of the most rewarding
things I have ever done. Growing up I had a normal childhood, my Dad made great money from the time he got out of college
and even today. I do not in any way blame my parents for the way I turned out because I made the choice th try the first drug
and the first drink.Growing up I always felt as though I wasn't accepted and even when I was, I didn't feel as accepted
as I felt I needed to be. I wanted to feel like the kid at the birthday party who gave the best gift because he/she would
be looked at as the best person there. I strugled growing with the feeling of being either inferior or superior to everyone
else and it carried into active addiction. The first time I tried any drug was when I was 13 and I couldn't get an image
out of my head from my childhood and I needed my mind to slow down for a moment. I can remember after I got high the first
time, it did the trick and I was able to just be.....that would not be the case later on in addiction. I went from doing drugs
once a month to every other weekend to eventually every day in a matter of three months. I went to being a buyer to a seller
overnight and loved the money and attention I got and I didn't have consequences. Consequences are very funny to me because
I was never arrested or had any legal issues but I suffered what we cal the " Emotional, physical and spiritual bankruptcy
" and it was also because of my choices. Looking back at what I could have been charged with was shocking when
i thought about it: Chronic D.U.I.'s, distribution with intent to sell drugs in a school zone, theft and the list goes
on and on. With me I found out after a while of doing a certain amount of drugs is that I needed to switch, whether it would
be to feel better , or to feel accepted but I always had an excuse to " up the Anny " . What happened between the
time I started using to the last night out before treatment is really not that important but what I can tell you is that I
went from where drugs helped ease things to where no amount of pills or lines or drinks could help silence the guilt and shame
and hate for those around me. I had tried numerous times to end it all but my HIGHER POWER saw fit for me to stay alive so
that maybe I could just write my story out. I know today , I am grateful for surviving the overdoses and the chronic alcohol
poisoning and the attempts on my life. I finally had had enough and got tired of running. I was a prisoner in my own mind
and I couldn't escape no matter how hard I tried. I remember openly weeping at a friends house which I had not cried from
the fourth grade on until that night . I finally had given up and said if I don't do something , I am going to die and
I knew it. My friend made a phone call and I was on my way to treatment the next morning. What a relief I felt that I didn't
have to live that double life, I could finally get better because I knew I wanted to. I knew though I was in for a long couple
of days of having to go through detox and even though it was the most pain I have ever felt, it was the most rewarding when
it was over and I didn't have to go through it again if I made the decision not to . I was told to get a sponsor and I
did, I was told to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and I did, I was told to get a home-group and get involved and I did........see
I never liked rules because in my mind I felt I was always that exception to the rule but I found out when I took some suggestions
and followed the guidelines of the program of COCAINE ANONYMOUS and work the steps, I found out what peace meant, I found
out what family really was and I found out what being of service meant. COCAINE ANONYMOUS has been around for years and my
only regret is that I would have found it sooner but I had to hit bottom before I was willing. Today, I am still as
willing as when I first came into the program because this is a life that I never imagined and worth every second of hell
it took for me to get it . Please talk to someone and find a meeting. It will change your life and you can help change someone
elses. GOD BLESS!!....A.O.
